The Rabbit Hole
So Valentine’s Day is this Saturday and every person in any form of romantic entanglement is scrambling to come up with the perfect romantic present for the object of their affection.
Though I don’t have the patience or the interest to sit around and list five wonderful/ romantic/ creative/ affordable gift ideas, I can post about five absolutely horrible gifts that you should not buy if you want your special someone to stick around.
So take a gander at these awful, and even bizarre, gifts.
Candy is one of the classic Valentine’s Day gifts. The seasonal aisle of grocery stores is always filled with heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and other assorted sweets for your sweetheart.
Though your lady may be expecting something edible, I doubt she wants you to give her a Candy G-String. Just like those candy necklaces enjoyed in childhood, imagine your lady’s joy when you present her with candy she can wear between her butt cheeks.
The Candy Bra is also available if you really want to go all out and get your lady the complete set.
I love art, but talk about creepy. Personalized gifts especially made for a couple can be a great gift, but this one is just a little strange. Basically they take a photo of you and your beloved and then photoshop your faces onto a painting of Adam & Eve.
Sure, you may think, aw that’s cute or original. But imagine you walk into someone’s house and you see that hanging on their walls. Talk about uncomfortable. And what lady or guy would open this up and say “Oh, it’s what I’ve always wanted.”
Want to make the man in your life just a little more self-conscious? Give him an Erectile Quality Monitor
.
Though it’s touted to be a great tool for detecting the on-set of Erectile Dysfunction, if you gave this to a guy, the subtle message would instantly shrink his Johnson in shame.
Lingerie is usually a great gift for a girl on V-day, but she’s probably looking for something lacy and slinky, not something that lights up your bedroom like Vegas.
The LED light bra features stylish feather, effective in the seduction of any man or woman of your choosing. Honestly, no girl wants her rack to look like a neon sign.
Flowers, especially roses, are a staple of the Valentine’s Day tradition. For an interesting twist on the classic gift, you could buy her Elephant Poo Paper Roses.
This gift is touted as eco-friendly since these odorless roses are handmade in Thailand from animal poop. You can read all about how they do it here. Though it may be better for the environment, I don’t think anyone would feel comfortable sniffing these roses.
If you think the photos for full body costumes are hillariously cheesy, check out these pics for accessories. It takes a lot to work a wig and really sell it–Tyra, you should take some lessons from these guys.
The best marketing is direct marketing. Can you guess what’s for sale?
Who’s excited about the 10 Commandments? This Guy!
(Can someone explain why he’s wearing a baseball jersey?)
This Super mullet has amazing powers, including but not limited to “surprise eyes.” I think he went to the same modeling school as Moses.
Dude. This guy feels so awwww-sum in these dreds.
I am literally at a loss of words everytime I look at this picture. It’s absolutely priceless–from “The Big Pink Hat” to the expression on this guy’s face…A+++. I don’t know who would wear this “hat,” but it’s existence is completely justified thanks to this photo alone.
See also…
5 Horribly Offensive Halloween Costumes
Halloween’s just around the corner and while the fanatics have been planning their costumes for months, the majority of us are scrambling to throw something together at the last minute. If you’re looking for something memorable, here’s five offensive costumes that are sure to turn heads.
In the line of traditional lady’s costumes–the princess, the fairy, the witch–comes the ever classy Wet T-Shirt Contest Winner. This is every little girl’s dream come true, and I’m sure her daddy’s proud as well.
Bonus points for the model’s facial expression which just screams, “I’ll have to thank my agent for this gig.”
This highly accurarte portrayal of a Jamaican gentleman costs $100, and is worth every penny. From the authentic tam hat to the subtle marijuana leaf necklace, this costume truly captures the essence of rasta culture.
Hey white people–if slaughtering their people and stealing their land wasn’t enough for you, here’s one more way to stick it to the Native Americans. This Indian costume is the best way to teach your kids about the rich Native American culture and history through a few choice stereotypes. Unfortunately, the plastic tomahawk is not included.
At least they didn’t call it a “Drunk Beaner Costume.”
How do you make a lewd costume stand out from the rest? Make it themed for the holiday, a vampire is perfect. Craft a pun for the name and voila–offensive and festive. At least the douche-bag they got to model it is an accurate representation of the target demographic for this product.