The Rabbit Hole
So Valentine’s Day is this Saturday and every person in any form of romantic entanglement is scrambling to come up with the perfect romantic present for the object of their affection.
Though I don’t have the patience or the interest to sit around and list five wonderful/ romantic/ creative/ affordable gift ideas, I can post about five absolutely horrible gifts that you should not buy if you want your special someone to stick around.
So take a gander at these awful, and even bizarre, gifts.
Candy is one of the classic Valentine’s Day gifts. The seasonal aisle of grocery stores is always filled with heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and other assorted sweets for your sweetheart.
Though your lady may be expecting something edible, I doubt she wants you to give her a Candy G-String. Just like those candy necklaces enjoyed in childhood, imagine your lady’s joy when you present her with candy she can wear between her butt cheeks.
The Candy Bra is also available if you really want to go all out and get your lady the complete set.
I love art, but talk about creepy. Personalized gifts especially made for a couple can be a great gift, but this one is just a little strange. Basically they take a photo of you and your beloved and then photoshop your faces onto a painting of Adam & Eve.
Sure, you may think, aw that’s cute or original. But imagine you walk into someone’s house and you see that hanging on their walls. Talk about uncomfortable. And what lady or guy would open this up and say “Oh, it’s what I’ve always wanted.”
Want to make the man in your life just a little more self-conscious? Give him an Erectile Quality Monitor
.
Though it’s touted to be a great tool for detecting the on-set of Erectile Dysfunction, if you gave this to a guy, the subtle message would instantly shrink his Johnson in shame.
Lingerie is usually a great gift for a girl on V-day, but she’s probably looking for something lacy and slinky, not something that lights up your bedroom like Vegas.
The LED light bra features stylish feather, effective in the seduction of any man or woman of your choosing. Honestly, no girl wants her rack to look like a neon sign.
Flowers, especially roses, are a staple of the Valentine’s Day tradition. For an interesting twist on the classic gift, you could buy her Elephant Poo Paper Roses.
This gift is touted as eco-friendly since these odorless roses are handmade in Thailand from animal poop. You can read all about how they do it here. Though it may be better for the environment, I don’t think anyone would feel comfortable sniffing these roses.